Thursday, February 14, 2013

The Grand Illusion (Excerpt)

Below is the second excerpt from "I Wish It Would Rain."   This comes from chapter 8 called "The Grand Illusion." This was a point in the story where the depression was mounting more and more daily as I grappled with the next chapters in my life.

When I was hired at INSP I was still wearing the sling on my shoulder, which made doing some things difficult. My battle with depression was raging and almost every day I felt like I was slipping deeper and deeper down. The guys in the band were beginning to pour themselves into other things. I held onto a glimmer of hope that one of the guys would call me up and say, “Hey man, let’s get back on the road dude.”  But that call never came.  We even played a few dates that spring of 2000 that we had already contracted earlier.   Even those didn’t feel right. It wasn’t “us against the world” anymore. It was now just 4 guys on a stage playing some songs. It felt so different that I honestly didn’t even know how to act.  It felt as if the crowd could have cared less if we were there and we even played as if we could care less.   I remember saying to myself “I feel like I don’t even know these guys up here with me.”   It was really over.  
Another issue I had concerning the demise of the band was my age.  I was 37 years old and most of the other members were in their early to mid 20’s.   The future for me seemed very bleak. I had already gotten a college degree, was married, had kids and started a career.  Now it seemed a failure.  Suddenly 13 years that I had poured my blood, sweat, and tears into was now all wrapped up in a few CDs, mountains of memories, and hundreds of photos. I began to doubt myself for calling it quits.   I felt like a “has-been” that no one in the music world or the world in general cared a rip about anymore.  

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