The End Of The Road (Excerpt)

WHEN A PERSON STANDS ON A STAGE AND HAS HUNDREDS OR thousands of people watching them, singing their songs, etc. it can’t help but feed an ego. Those that tell you different are lying, bottom line. It’s only human.  Even walking out on stage with the purest intentions can still lead to unhealthy emotions.  Many times after a concert, especially during the last few years the band was enjoying it’s most success I would often have to check myself at the end of the night.  I simply had to keep my ego in check.   Artists are human and artists are frail. That applies no matter what type of music one plays.  These people that think if you play Christian music you should never struggle with issues like this are badly mistaken, or they have never done it!   Because we weren’t a huge band and were more popular in certain areas, some concerts were better left forgotten.  Many places we had to win over an audience, but those where the audience knew our songs and us were amazing.  I fed off the energy and the adrenaline.  There is nothing like the feeling one gets from the audience.  We would often say that the view from the stage was the greatest view in the world!  You can see where the ego can be inflated and that adrenaline becomes like a drug.  Many times after the “high” of the concert would fade I would get down in the dumps.  I would long for that feeling.  Depression was playing games with me and my addictive personality was growing.    

The Grand Illusion (Excerpt)

Below is the second excerpt from "I Wish It Would Rain."   This comes from chapter 8 called "The Grand Illusion." This was a point in the story where the depression was mounting more and more daily as I grappled with the next chapters in my life.

 

When I was hired at INSP I was still wearing the sling on my shoulder, which made doing some things difficult. My battle with depression was raging and almost every day I felt like I was slipping deeper and deeper down. The guys in the band were beginning to pour themselves into other things. I held onto a glimmer of hope that one of the guys would call me up and say, “Hey man, let’s get back on the road dude.”  But that call never came.  We even played a few dates that spring of 2000 that we had already contracted earlier.   Even those didn’t feel right. It wasn’t “us against the world” anymore. It was now just 4 guys on a stage playing some songs. It felt so different that I honestly didn’t even know how to act.  It felt as if the crowd could have cared less if we were there and we even played as if we could care less.   I remember saying to myself “I feel like I don’t even know these guys up here with me.”   It was really over.  

Another issue I had concerning the demise of the band was my age.  I was 37 years old and most of the other members were in their early to mid 20’s.   The future for me seemed very bleak. I had already gotten a college degree, was married, had kids and started a career.  Now it seemed a failure.  Suddenly 13 years that I had poured my blood, sweat, and tears into was now all wrapped up in a few CDs, mountains of memories, and hundreds of photos. I began to doubt myself for calling it quits.   I felt like a “has-been” that no one in the music world or the world in general cared a rip about anymore.  

Silent Screams (Excerpt)

Below is an excerpt from "I Wish It Would Rain."  It is taken from a chapter called "Silent Screams."   Although it doesn't touch on the main topic of the book, it is a part of the book that paints a bit of history leading up to the "fall."   More excerpts to come......

I also need to very briefly touch on another aspect that contributed to my depression as well.  Just about my entire life was spent growing up around church, being around Christians and the whole scene.   I, for whatever reason, always felt that God didn’t really like me.  I knew he loved me but just didn’t feel as though he liked me. I mentioned earlier that I felt I had to be good or at least strive for perfection to please God.  If I missed a Sunday at church I would feel terribly guilty.  It often felt like being a Christian was more chains than freedom.  The whole concept of grace just didn’t compute.  I always felt inferior to pastors, youth pastors, and spiritual leaders in my life.  They always seemed to be so spiritually mature and several of them made me feel the opposite.   Many of the large youth conferences I would play would have these nationally recognized youth communicators.  Some of these guys were so arrogant, self-serving, and condescending that anyone around them couldn’t help but feel inferior, especially if they already struggled with identity.  It made me often feel as if God was happier with them because they were much more “spiritual” than me.  

Those that know me understand that I’m as real and transparent as they come.  What you see is what you get.  I don’t hide my inadequacies, my failures or shortcomings.  If someone said to me “Hey I just committed some pretty bad sins” my response would most likely be “Well, God still loves you just like you are.”  The problem was I could not say that to myself.  I struggled constantly with this belief.  

THE BOOK/THE MUSIC

This summer, 2013 will finally see the release of "I Wish It Would Rain."  This book has been in the writing and processing stages for over a year.  The original book, which  chronicled my struggle with depression was first released in 2005.  That wasn't the whole story however.  The complete story is much darker and makes my life much more vulnerable.  My wife Angie even wrote a chapter as well. As time progresses, more info will be released about the complete content, etc.

There is also a recording planned to accompany the book's release.  This is not a solo CD per se, but rather a concept recording focusing on hope, restoration and redemption. I plan to bring in other artists to take part on the project.  The songwriting has begun and producers Jay Speight and Tyrus Morgan are helping steer the recording in the direction that fits the overall package.  Brian Smith and Turning Point Media will be at the helm of publicity.  It looks to be an exciting time.  There is much to be done but it will be amazing.

I am convinced that God has a plan in all of this.  I believe lives will change and healing will take place through this story and through the music.