Silent Screams (Excerpt)

Below is an excerpt from "I Wish It Would Rain."  It is taken from a chapter called "Silent Screams."   Although it doesn't touch on the main topic of the book, it is a part of the book that paints a bit of history leading up to the "fall."   More excerpts to come......

I also need to very briefly touch on another aspect that contributed to my depression as well.  Just about my entire life was spent growing up around church, being around Christians and the whole scene.   I, for whatever reason, always felt that God didn’t really like me.  I knew he loved me but just didn’t feel as though he liked me. I mentioned earlier that I felt I had to be good or at least strive for perfection to please God.  If I missed a Sunday at church I would feel terribly guilty.  It often felt like being a Christian was more chains than freedom.  The whole concept of grace just didn’t compute.  I always felt inferior to pastors, youth pastors, and spiritual leaders in my life.  They always seemed to be so spiritually mature and several of them made me feel the opposite.   Many of the large youth conferences I would play would have these nationally recognized youth communicators.  Some of these guys were so arrogant, self-serving, and condescending that anyone around them couldn’t help but feel inferior, especially if they already struggled with identity.  It made me often feel as if God was happier with them because they were much more “spiritual” than me.  

Those that know me understand that I’m as real and transparent as they come.  What you see is what you get.  I don’t hide my inadequacies, my failures or shortcomings.  If someone said to me “Hey I just committed some pretty bad sins” my response would most likely be “Well, God still loves you just like you are.”  The problem was I could not say that to myself.  I struggled constantly with this belief.  

THE BOOK/THE MUSIC

This summer, 2013 will finally see the release of "I Wish It Would Rain."  This book has been in the writing and processing stages for over a year.  The original book, which  chronicled my struggle with depression was first released in 2005.  That wasn't the whole story however.  The complete story is much darker and makes my life much more vulnerable.  My wife Angie even wrote a chapter as well. As time progresses, more info will be released about the complete content, etc.

There is also a recording planned to accompany the book's release.  This is not a solo CD per se, but rather a concept recording focusing on hope, restoration and redemption. I plan to bring in other artists to take part on the project.  The songwriting has begun and producers Jay Speight and Tyrus Morgan are helping steer the recording in the direction that fits the overall package.  Brian Smith and Turning Point Media will be at the helm of publicity.  It looks to be an exciting time.  There is much to be done but it will be amazing.

I am convinced that God has a plan in all of this.  I believe lives will change and healing will take place through this story and through the music.